I regularly get asked to participate in surveys after buying a product or service on line. Quite often, I do complete the survey in the vague hope that it might help to improve the quality of the service in question. Trouble is, the quality of the surveys is often so poor that they actually do harm to the reputation of the product.

Today, I completed two surveys – one for NowTV, which was dull and unremarkable. The second was for DirectLine insurance. This survey quickly became annoying. So much so, that it inspired me to write this blog entry. I think it is worth chronicling some of the inane questions they felt it useful to ask.

It started with some pretty routine questions about the clarity of the web site and ease of completing the process. Then they asked

How easy did you find it to purchase your policy? Where 0 means ‘very difficult’ and 10 means ‘very easy’?

I responded with 6 /10. There were no particular issues with making the payment, but like most people, I dislike paying for insurance, so I’m hardly going to revel in the opportunity of parting with my hard-earned for something I hope to never use.

The follow up question surprised me: Why was it so difficult?

I responded as follows:

6 out of 10 is not ‘so difficult’. Insurance is a hassle. I am never going to be overly enthusiastic about buying insurance. If you want enthusiasm try a different product, like good beer.

Next came: How likely or unlikely is it that you would recommend Direct Line to family and friends? Where 0 means ‘extremely unlikely’ and 10 means ‘extremely likely’.

Again, I responded with 6 /10. If someone asks me for a recommendation, I’d say that Direct Line seemed to be OK, but I’m not going to run around the streets like some demented zealot extolling their virtues. Once more, they clearly interpreted 6/10 as a negative response and asked

Why would you be unlikely to recommend Direct Line? 

I did not say that I would be unlikely to recommend them. I clearly stated that on the balance of probabilities, I would be more likely to recommend them than not. This is not difficult mathematics. What is wrong with these people? I responded along these lines with:

6/10 is not unlikely, so why ask me this question? I am losing respect for this survey. I am not certain to recommend Direct Line to anyone else, as I have better things to have conversations about than insurance, which is frankly a miserable necessity. However, if someone asks I’d say Direct Line was OK. At least I would have done until you revealed your inability to understand simple probability, which I would have thought was quite important to your actuaries.

I think what this reveals is that the marketeers than created this and many similar surveys are morons. What they actually wanted were binary answers – was it good or bad. They can only see the world in monochrome. And yet they provided a scale of 1 to 10, which suggests a spectrum of responses. I find it bizarre that big companies think it is sensible to allow their brand to be promoted by people with an IQ similar to that of pond scum. I am prepared to wager that the jerk that prepared this survey spent more time trimming his goatee than he did thinking about the questions he asked.

Perhaps I should stop completing on line surveys.