At some point during my lifetime, and it’s hard to pin down exactly when this was, it became necessary to define yourself in terms that should, by all reasonable standards, be utterly irrelevant.

Every 10 years, we get treated to a census. This gathers lots of interesting information that I’m sure does serve a purpose, but it also insists that we pigeon-hole ourselves.  In 2001 a lot of people rebelled against having to define themselves in terms of religion, by stating that they were followers of the Jedi religion. 390,000 people made this statement in England and Wales alone, making Jedi the 4th most popular religion in the UK, ahead  of the Sikhs, the Buddhists and Judaism. This may seem, and essentially was, a harmless piece of fun, but it does point to a frustration with a society that insists on these meaningless categorisations.

I flatly refuse to categorise myself in this way. Wherever possible, if I am asked for my ethnicity, I will respond with human, though even that feels a bit restrictive at times. Mammal, or even carbon-based lifeform – to borrow Douglas Adams’ excellent phrase – might be more appropriate.

Badminton Application

I recently applied for a Birmingham City Council leisure centre pass to allow me to book badminton courts. I’d like to say I’m getting a bit fat and I need some exercise, but it’s got way past that stage. Anyway, I am aware that councils are the worst offenders of all in this political correctness categorisation. I don’t really know why this is the case. There will be lots of people who will try to justify it, but it will all boil down to bullshit. Anyway, I mention this particular case, because the online form for the Birmingham Leisure Centres was a masterpiece of its kind.

Bear in mind that what I wanted to get out of this was the ability to book badminton courts. Here, alongside the usual name and address stuff, is what I was asked:

Gender

Options were:

• Male
• Female
• Transgender

Not sure why this is relevant to badminton bookings, but essentially harmless. Rather boringly, I selected male.

Ethnicity Group

Options were:

• Asian / Asian British
• Black / Black British
• Chinese / Other
• Mixed
• White / White British

This seems both strangely limited and self contradictory. For instance, when I look at a map, I’m pretty sure that China is in Asia, so why are they not considered as Asians, and why is there no “Chinese British” category. This seems frankly racist. Given these broad categories, what would someone from, say, Peru select? What tone of skin colour would tip me from white to black? I’m Welsh – mostly celtic – with dark hair and brown eyes. My skin colour varies depending on the time of year from a sickly pinkish to a pale brown, going through a brief period of bright red if I’ve seen too much sun. Where does that fit in the selection on offer, and more importantly, why the hell does it matter? I’m sure the dick that came up with these five categories expects me to select “White British”, but my skin is not white and I refuse to play this game.

I selected “Chinese / Other”, on the basis that whilst I am not Chinese, Other might encompass something with which I might feel more comfortable. Like “Human”, for example.

Ethnic Group

Having obliged me to select and “Ethnicity Group”, I was then obliged to choose and “Ethnic Group”. At first sight, these two things may seem to be very similar, but clearly, at least to Birmingham CC, one is a subset of the other. At this point the 4 broad but contradictory categories are broken down further, as follows:

• Asian / Asian British
  • Afghani
  • Bangladeshi / British Bangladeshi
  • British Asian
  • Indian / British Indian
  • Kashmiri
  • Pakistani / British Pakistani
  • Other Asian

Again, I am struck by the contradictions. How come Bangladeshis, Indians and Pakistanis can be British, but not Afghanis or Kashmiris? I love the fact that one of the subsets of “Asian British” is “British Asian”. Other Asian is still a pretty broad category.

• Black / Black British
  • Black African
  • Black British
  • Black Caribbean
  • Somali
  • Zimbabwean
  • Other Black

And there was me thinking that Zimbabwe and Somalia were in Africa. How silly of me.

• Chinese / Other
  • Arab
  • Chinese
  • Filipino
  • Iraqi
  • Irani
  • Israeli
  • Kosovan
  • Kurdish
  • Middle Eastern (excluding Israeli, Iranian and Arab)
  • Vietnamese
  • Yemeni
  • Other Group

You’re seeing the nonsense without my commentary, but nevertheless, I feel obliged to pick out some of the biggest absurdities. Why Vietnam, but not Thailand, Cambodia, Singapore or any of the myriad of Asian countries that should have been listed in the Asia section, anyway? Why exclude just those three countries from the Middle East, but not Yemen or Iraq which are also explicitly listed?  And, if you are going to use alphabetical order to avoid any hint of favouritism, at least get it right.

• Mixed
  • Asian and White
  • Asian and Black
  • Black African and White
  • Black Caribbean and White
  • Black and Chinese
  • White and Other Mixed

How on Earth did they arrive at this list? Was there a committee meeting to decide which ethnic groups might breed with others? What a load of bollocks!

• White / White British
  • British or Mixed British
  • Gypsy / Romany
  • Polish
  • Traveller
  • Other White European (Including mixed European)
  • Other White

I travel. Does that make me a Traveller?

So after all that, I still have no idea what our Peruvian friend would select. Of more immediate concern to me, what should I select? On the basis that I had already selected “Chinese / Other”, I went for “Other Group” and my sub-selection. I really hope that does not preclude me from playing badminton.

Faith

So, having spent ages pondering my ethnicity, I now have to worry about faith. I’m not big on faith. To me it means belief without evidence. Again, I’m not sure why it matters in relation to badminton. The choices I was offered were:

• Buddhist
• Christian
• Hindu
• Jewish
• Muslim
• Rastafarian
• Sikh
• Other Religion
• No Religion

I am dismayed to see that Jedi is not listed, given that the census of 2001 found it to be the 4th most popular religion in the country. Why have a census if you then pick and choose which parts to take seriously? Predictably, I selected “No Religion”. On the basis that several of the listed religions reject science and that the motion of the shuttlecock is highly susceptible to mathematical modelling, I hope that applicants from those religions will be rejected. I doubt, however, if this will be the case.

Sexual Orientation

Next, it appears that knowledge of my sexual preferences is vital in consideration of my application. Honestly, I promise never to indulge in any sexual activity on the badminton courts of Birmingham. Ever. The options were:

• Bisexual
• Heterosexual
• Lesbian or Gay
• Other

I went with other, as the mind was left boggling about what this might be. Bestiality?

Disabilities

Finally, I was asked about a series of disabilities, including:

• Deafness or severe hearing impairment
• Blindness or severe visual impairment
• Condition limiting Walking, Lifting, Carrying etc
• Learning/Cognitive Impairment
• Long standing illness (Impacting day to day act.)
• Long standing illness (Not Impacting day to day act.)
• Mental Health Condition
• Physical impairment
• Sensory impairment

Do I really need to tell them about a mental health problem, before I’m allowed to book a badminton court?

I know this all seems incredibly far-fetched. In case you are prone to doubt, the form in questions can be found here.

Hope for the Future

The above frustrates the hell out of me, and I think it really adds to the segregation and institutional racism that still dogs our society. I have no doubt that the people who have put it in place intend well, but it is clear from the way that the questions have been structured that they are not particularly intelligent. I completely fail to see the need for such prying questions for a simple service. Noticing ethnicity and faith in such matters is inherently racist. I’m sure the council will state that they need to record these facts to ensure that all ethnic groups and faiths are treated equally. this is a specious argument. Being unaware of these facts is the only way to guarantee equal treatment.

On the positive side, racism in this country has reduced massively during my lifetime. the attitudes of my grandparents were so different to those of my sons. The current generation are much closer to being colour blind and I am truly hopeful that process will be complete in a couple more generations if only the jerks who create questionnaires like the one detailed above could stop doing so.